


I Wish My Heart Couldn't Take So Much

by ThereIsNoTragedyInThat



Series: Outlander 2020 Bingo Fills [3]
Category: Outlander (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Claire-centric, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Falling In Love, Missing Scene, Outlander Bingo 2020, Season/Series 01, Soulmates, Wedding Night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:42:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23797114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThereIsNoTragedyInThat/pseuds/ThereIsNoTragedyInThat
Summary: A closer look at Claire's thoughts in the aftermath of her marriage to Jamie.Outlander Bingo Fill N5: Rings
Relationships: Claire Beauchamp/Frank Randall, Claire Beauchamp/Jamie Fraser
Series: Outlander 2020 Bingo Fills [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1697500
Comments: 2
Kudos: 34
Collections: Outlander Bingo Challenge





	I Wish My Heart Couldn't Take So Much

Claire took a deep breath as she entered the small private room that was reserved for her and Jamie at the inn. Downstairs she could hear the clansman laughing loudly, singing songs, and shouting about whatever happened to grab their attention at the moment. Shaking her head, Claire took a seat on the bed, feeling strangely vulnerable in nothing but her shift. She was unspeakably grateful for the small reprieve from both the men and Jamie while she waited for him to return to the room.

The entire day had been…a lot. She didn’t have the words to explain the chaos of emotion that came from falling out of your time into another, consequently leaving behind your husband only to end up marrying another out necessity of survival. Not for the first time, Claire wondered if she was the first to ever end up in a position such as this. Surely others had fallen through the stones, there wouldn’t be stories if they hadn’t, but what did they leave behind? Families? Husbands and children? Ailing parents or loyal pets?

She was losing her mind. That much was bloody obvious.

Claire tried for a calming breath, walked herself through a couple of counts and found herself decidedly more steady on her feet. She wished she had a bit more time with all this, to process the fact that she was the wife of Jamie Fraser, all done as a form of transaction to save her from Randall. She supposed she should technically be more grateful but the realization itself did nothing to stem the guilt pressing on her from all sides.

She found her eyes being drawn downward, staring at her hands and her fingers now adorned by two rings instead of one. They were both simple in nature and she found herself smiling humorlessly at the realization that twice now she hadn’t gotten the wedding she wanted. The first had been such a rushed affair but at least there weren’t a barrage of voice at her back forcing her forward. The decision had been her own in the end and this…well she supposed she did ultimately choose Jamie.

What a mess, the whole thing.

Claire ran her thumb along her wedding ring, the one that Frank had given her all that time ago. She hadn’t taken it off, couldn’t bear to be parted from the last reminder of home, that through all this there was someone waiting for her, loving her. This ring had always been a comfort, during the war she would often lay in her cot, trying to fall asleep amidst the sound of dying men, thumbing the familiar metal and thinking of Frank, wondering where he was and if he was alive. A small thing that was good and real among the strange reality she had found herself in. Now here she was again but this time with the bitter edge of betrayal dirtying the memories.

The thing was Claire knew why it twisted her stomach and weighed her shoulders with the burden of guilt. She liked Jamie, that was the problem, it wasn’t simply that he was the best among an array of poor options, she genuinely enjoyed his company when she had been allowed to have it and she craved his attentions in a way she never had with Frank.

That was the shameful truth of it.

She loved Frank. Deeply. Their love had survived a war and far too much time apart to be healthy. She knew he loved her just as much, could recall with startling clarity their wedding day and child like joy on his face and she’d be lying if she said his insistence that his parent’s opinion didn’t matter, hadn’t thrilled her. Frank had been devoted, utterly and completely, wrote to her over the course of the war dutifully and honestly. Their love was something of a comfort, steady as a rock and infinite as there was time in the day.

Jamie, well Jamie was something else entirely. The emotion between them unexpected and yet familiar, like it would have always been there no matter what time they met in. Jamie held his own version of childlike uncertainty tempered in the brutality of the time he was living in. When Jamie spoke to her it was with a boyish charm almost too impossible to be ignored and his honesty felt like respect. The thing that really got to her, however, had been their wedding. The effort Jamie had put in, for a woman he hardly knew, had been heart-warming. Not only was he giving up a chance at love with another woman, one he could actually get to know, he’d gone out of his way to make it special. She craved him in a reckless way she never had with Frank.

Claire didn’t want to compare the men that made up her husbands, had no wish to find ways in which was might be lacking over the other. She liked to think she would be able to find it in her heart to love both equally. Because that was the problem, she could see herself loving Jamie fully and completely, could finally see herself living here in this time, giving up the search to go home if Jamie asked it of her.

The thought terrified her.

She hoped, that should she ever return to her time, Frank might find it in himself to forgive her for this transgression, for the fact that she might love another man, that this was part of survival and beyond that…well she wanted to live, wanted the chance to be happy and build something should the occasion occur in which she never returned.

Claire lifted the hand adorned with Frank’s ring and pressed a gentle kiss to the cool metal, eyes flicking closed. He would understand, he’d been in battle and he knew how it went with survival, that sometimes you needed to do what you had to…and sometimes you had to do what you wanted to do, in order to make that survival worth it.

The voices from downstairs rose into a shout and familiar feet made their way toward her door. Claire let her hand drop into her lap, banished all thoughts of Frank from her mind and forced herself to live in the moment. As Jamie opened the door, she found herself filled with a shy kind of excitement and she tried very hard not to let the guilt dampen the sensation.


End file.
